Is there anything more Southern than biscuits and white, sausage gravy; Paula Dean; boiled peanuts; grits; waving a flag embroidered with a rattle snake and the words ‘don’t tread on me’; fried chicken & collard greens; driving your quad cab, jacked up, 4x4 6.2L, V8 diesel engine F350-King Ranch equipped with an XM radio tuned to ‘Willie’s Roadhouse’, all on a white sandy beach somewhere between Mobile and Pensacola, with a beer in one hand and your arm around some little bikini clad sweet thang sittin on the middle (aka ‘bitch’) seat? Quite amazingly, the answer is overwhelmingly and uncontestably YES! What could be more Southern than all of this, you ask. Why Football of course. But not just any brand of football will suffice. No true Southerner will settle for that pretentious style they play in the Ivy League; or the arena flair offered in the Big East. The chest thumping, head butting, plodding along offered up by the B1G just won’t do either. Neither the defenseless Longhorn League (ooops, I mean Big 12), nor the three ring circus that is the ACC can pass for even a poor quality counterfeit. And most certainly and assuredly, the half-hearted, half-empty (and that’s being optimistic) stadiums situated in campuses full of bravado, bravura leaders of cheer, and bounties of fish tacos offered as a late night snack by the Pac 12 will not satiate the ravenous hunger for football so welcomed and embraced by Southerners. When it comes to Football in the South, Southerners—True Southerners—only use the term when referring to SEC football.
For those trying to figure out the enigma that is the South and its microcosmic sport, it may be difficult to understand what it means to be the SEC. The SEC is not just a loose nit collection of post-secondary institutions—with little geographic or historical significance—choosing to throw an oblong ball on a gridiron patch of grass for the sole purpose of appeasing alumni and boosters through a half-hearted commitment to maintaining school spirit. The SEC is more or less, the exact opposite. So what is the SEC? The SEC is 69 years of the Tiger Rag and jambalaya in the bayo; sippin bourbon with the coeds on The Grove and givin your best Rebel yell; wearin houndstooth print and killin rival oak trees; downin lemonade on Toomer’s Corner before marvelin at a bird of prey descending to the 50 yard line; havin a fever where the only cure is ‘MORE COWBELL’; callin in the pigs with your best ‘pig sueey’; sangin ‘Rockey Top’ and throwin your own goal post into the Tennessee River after beating your rival for the first time in 6 tries; yellin ‘wait until basketball season’; accepting ‘you’ll work for me one day’ and ‘we invented country music’ as a legitimate retort to insults on your football stadium, program, and cheerleaders; ‘sicken’ your fat bulldog on your rivals’ crotch and hittin on true southern bells between the hedges; throwin a party in a Cock-a-Boose; sangin ‘We are the Boys’ with your arm wrapped around a complete stranger you feel like you’ve known all your life; it’s 6 of the 10 largest college football stadiums sold out every home game; it’s hard-nosed, FAST football, played in the hottest and most humid environments imaginable; it’s 9 national titles in 20 years; it’s 7 BCS national titles in 13 years; it’s 5 BCS titles in a row.
5 consecutive national titles shared by 4 teams from one conference. Is there any question regarding the superiority of the SEC? Is the SEC invincible? Is it a safe bet to take the SEC over the field in Vegas? Well, if you answered yes to the first question, you are either an idiot or high (or both). While it may appear that the SEC is invincible because it has stockpiled by far the most talented players, coaches, and fans in the country, college football doesn’t necessarily reward you for being the best. Instead, college football rewards you for not losing and having a high pre-season ranking. Look at Auburn in 2004; undefeated with probably the best defense in the country, but no invitation granted to the big party in Miami that year. Florida needed miracles on championship Saturday in 1996 and 2006 to garner invitations to the prime time events each of those years. LSU edged out number 1 ranked USC (AP and USA today polls) in 2003 in the BCS poll for a chance to take on Oklahoma and won the title again in 2007 with 2 losses (first time in history)—again needing near miracles on championship Saturday. Heck, in 1998, if Clint Stoerner doesn’t try to recover his fleeting balance with the football, Fat Fulmer never lifts the crystal ball—but yet he did and the SEC ushered in the BCS era and its subsequent reign in true SEC style (superior lines of scrimmage on both sides of the ball). My point is not that the SEC won all those titles because they were lucky—they won them because they were better than the field. Instead, my point is that with a system that rewards teams for taking as few chances as possible during the season, it took a perfect storm for the SEC to get into the big game during their 20 year campaign to plunder and pillage every trophy imaginable. So, it’s really just a matter of time before a Virginia Tech and an Oklahoma go undefeated, edging out a potentially much better SEC side with only 1 loss, and breaking the well-earned SEC streak. So, if I’m betting on the field or the SEC, I’m taking the field. But give me a playoff system and I’m taking the SEC every year.
So what does the SEC look like this year? Well for starters, they are a smaller conference than they will be in the near future (expansion is inevitable, it’s just a question of who and when; odds are on at least TAMU joining the ranks http://www.tamu.edu/athletics/conferenceChange.html). Secondly, the West is much deeper than the East. And finally, the best four teams in the league all play each other at least once before the SEC championship game. Odds are in favor of cannibalism stealing the shot at another crystal ball from the eager hands of the SEC commish. From a divisional standpoint, there is quite a bit of new blood in the SEC east, and for the first time in what seems… well ever… stability in the west.
SEC East:
South Carolina—This is the most talented team the SpurDog has had since 2001; including 2 seasons in D.C. But with a boozing QB and an impatient playcaller at the helm, this team is destined for disappointment. The Game Cocks can pull up a seat next to Arkansas and expect another trip to Atlanta with not title. 
Florida—Nobody’s crying for this UF team. Don’t believe me, just ask ‘Coach’. Young, talented and hungry to make a name for themselves, this team will play with passion. Unfortunately youth in the secondary and a third OC for the senior QB will lead to mistakes at pivotal moments in big games.
Tennessee—maybe the team is only one step away from getting MRSA, but they will be much better than a year ago. Time heals all Kiffin wounds, just look at the Raiders who were a hair away from the playoffs last year (2 years removed from the Kiffinable Snowman). Unfortunately for UT, it will take at least one more year to have a shot at getting over the hump—assuming the CDC doesn’t quarantine the entire team first.
UGA—With a lame duck HBC, it will be tough to motivate this team after they lose to USC-e early in the season. Expect overly conservative play calling, dancing in the endzone, and a few uniform changes to motivate this team, but don’t expect a return to the 80’s just yet, UGA fan. You might also want to break out another ice block for that fat dog of yours, because it’s going to be a long season.
UK—Is it basketball season yet?
Vandy—crickets chirping…”screw the football game, let’s go to Broadway and get slammed!”
SEC West:
Alabama—The Godfather of the SEC coaching tree is pissed at the media… which is a good thing if you are Bama fan. A Pissed Saban means a productive (albeit miserable) coaching staff. The 2011 Tide will be as talented on defense as they’ve been and the O-line will magically never hold anyone all season long. If they can avoid injuries, they may find themselves in Nawlens at the end of the season.
LSU—High hats, high players, and high crime rate in Baton Rouge these days. Did Miles hire Ron Zook as the quality control coach and not tell anyone? LSU will be strong on defense, of course, but will have spotty play at the QB position and equally crazy play calling from the coaching staff. This team will out-talent most of its opponents, but expect losses to Oregon and Alabama.
Arkansas—One broken ankle away from kicking disappointment down the road to September 24 or November 26. At least now the little piggies will have an excuse when they can’t get over the hump… yet again. Lots of offense, but not enough defense from this team. Nevertheless, if I was picking a team to really derail the SEC train, it’s Arkansas. Arkansas is good enough to beat anyone on their schedule, but not good enough to beat everyone on their schedule. The greatest irony would be for a 2 loss Arkansas team to face an undefeated USC team (for the second time) in Atlanta and to win; consequently becoming the literal and figurative Cock Blockers for the SEC and South Carolina.
Mississippi State—The Mullen monster is smarter than you and will not hesitate to let you know. Unfortunately, he will never have more talent than you in Starkvegas, thus making it impossible for him to prove that he is smarter than you by beating you consistently. But then again, I’m sure that he is convinced that by somehow almost beating you with less talent proves he is smarter than you and therefore he is better than you because he lost to you. Expect tons of cow bells, zone option, and quarterback draws. Heck, they might even have another 10-7 win up their sleeve.
Auburn—Chzik will have to win this season by outcoaching his opponents. The odds makers are not favoring his ability to achieve such a feat. Expect a rapid descent into purgatory for the least well known BCS championship coach in history. Let this be a lesson to all: if you sell your soul to the devil, he will steal your single moment of notoriety from under your feet and piss on your face; leaving you soulless and empty handed.
Ole Miss—There is plenty of tailgating to go around, plenty of classy southern bells, but not a lot of wins. The Nutt is going to upset some teams, but you can’t win a lot of games with less talent on the lines of scrimmage and inconsistent quarterback play.
And like the prodigal son, Football season returns. So slaughter the fattened calf and bust out the special hooch.
It’s time to kick this mother fuggin beast off!
~March Hare~
Outside of the USC song girls and the Oregon cheerleaders no one can touch the Ladies of the SEC.
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