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Ocular Patdown

The Great Divorce

With greatest respect to C.S. Lewis…

The humidity still hangs heavy in the air and practices are taking place early or late in the day.  Players tire of two-a-days, coaches desperately attempt to add more formations and starters try to erase all doubts from their position coach.

While the season may be just around the corner, in some respects it still feels like summer and the silly off-season.  The University of Miami has fully embraced the corrupt South Beach culture, or at least been finally and fully exposed.  Jordan Jefferson is using the same judgment off field as he does on the field.  Seems like the silly off-season will never end.   

But alas, the season is about to begin and what of the teams from the Big 12, how will they fare?

Oklahoma – With the amount of returning talent, the transition should go well.  Unfortunately, despite the Sooners wealth of talent, they are walking into a helluva tough schedule.  With road games at Florida, Alabama and LSU, they may be reconsidering their decision until the first paycheck rolls in.

Oklahoma State – the Cowboys really had no choice but to follow their brethren from Norman.  While OSU may have some large independent boosters, they couldn’t turn away to money from the new arrangement; T. Boone’s not going anywhere.  Their talent is plentiful and their coach is now approaching his mid-40’s, which should lend some maturity, or not.

Missouri – They may have lost their QB, but, like the great Texas State Armadillo quarterback Paul Blake once said, “they won just by stepping on the field”.  Missouri was spared the best teams in the East, but the West is tough enough.

Texas A&M – The great instigators.  The Aggies return almost their entire starting 22 from last season; a season that saw them win a portion of their division.  Unfortunately, LB is not a position you can afford to be weak at in this conference.  While A&M is being championed for their foresight, the shock of the transition may be overwhelming to the fan base.

What about the rest of the league?

Texas – Mack cleaned house, but has talent.  And Texas can recruit not only players but coaches as well.  The Longhorns will be fine on defense, but playing in an offense-dominated conference will put a lot of pressure on a unit without proven playmakers.  They are probably another year or two away from competing for a title.

Texas Tech – Unlike the Longhorns, the Raiders can put up points thanks to the recruiting efforts of Mike Leach.  Unfortunately, their defense is built for Arena Football and Leach isn't calling the plays.  They have minimal depth on the defensive line and the secondary is average.  Not a good combination.

The rest…really?  Do we care?

With the massive realignment during the summer of 2011, not only did the college landscape change, but my interest level as well.  Being fond of having been to every SEC stadium, I now have four more venues added to the list.  And while Columbia, Missouri may be more akin to Auburn, AL than Athens, GA, it’s an experience to savor.   I need to start planning for the trip to Norman in 2012; I’m open for suggestions on places to not miss.

Hmmmm, there are uncomfortable noises interrupting my thoughts...alarm clock you say?  What?  Wait, I was asleep?  Dreaming?  So Texas A&M, Oklahoma, Oklahoma State and Missouri haven’t joined the SEC?  Texas and Texas Tech haven’t left for the PAC-12/16?  The rest of the Big 10/12/9 haven’t been relegated to football purgatory?  All a dream you say…or is it?

Ok, since this was supposed to be a Big 12/10 preview, here are the picks.  Go to Vegas is you wish, but I suggest a Costanza-like “do the opposite” approach.

North

Oh wait, only 10 teams…

Big 12/10

Oklahoma – best returning QB and WR; young, but experienced defense…

Texas A&M – solid at all positions, but not great at any…

Oklahoma State – great potential, questions at the head-set position …

Texas Tech – great offense, suspect defense…

Missouri – lost great QB, but Pinkel has installed a self-sustaining system…

Texas – the great unknown…new staff allows for new beginnings…

Kansas State – Bill, you can’t go back home…

Baylor – The Southern Baptists may struggle to stay in the top of the bottom...

Iowa State – Still wondering why they didn’t properly “invest” in Chizik’s system…

Kansas – It’s flat, cold and barren and that’s just the co-ed’s…just kidding…

It's GAME WEEK!  Productivity plummets!

 Pick6

ESPN PIMPING INVESTMENT

So I flip on the tube tonight to find the College Gameday staff, including Corso, in Austin. I had to double check my calendar to make sure the college season is still a week away. Then it hit me. ESPN is pimping the launching of the Longhorn Network.

This completely signifies everything that is wrong with college football. What next, Vegas is going to start posting lines on high school football games?! Holy Shit....there are 15 high school games this weekend that Vegas has point spreads posted and open for betting.

Www.vegasinsider.com

But regardless of everything that is wrong, I will be tuning in tonight to watch Armwood high school play some Vegas high school team and watch Herby dissect the Texas defense.

I guess the football hungry fan will eat anything that the WWL will feed us no matter how rotten it is.

12 - Pack

  

So, it falls on me to preview the 12-pack, or as the infamous Mr. Murn coined it, “the twacker”. Like a true appetizer, a twacker is considered a good way to start. It won’t fuel the party all night, but it’ll start the ball rolling. The twacker hits the sweet spot in terms of portability. If you created a graph using content on the x-axis, and convenience on the y-axis, the twacker is the elbow in the curve. In a pinch, rip off the top and shove ice down the crevices….bingo – an instant cooler. Back in the day, you would grab a twacker at the Lil Champ, head down the road and drink all 12 before the beer got warm.

What? Oh, the Pac-12. Apologies.

Well, some of the same logic applies. It is college football by definition, but you cannot live on it alone. The P12 is like the Busch Lite Twacker, it is enjoyable, provides the most bang for your buck, but you never want to admit in public that you consume it. It fills a necessary gap with 10 pm kickoffs, and conference games are very underrated in terms of entertainment.

The conference has recently expanded, and they did a great job in not only adding programs that take the sport seriously, but they make sense geographically. The divisions are barely 9 months old, yet the average fan can easily name all 6 teams in each division (eyeing you Swofford, Delany).

Pac 12 North

Predicted Order of Finish:

1) Oregon

2) California

3) Washington

4) Stanford

5) Oregon State

6) Washington State

Oregon – This program is sooooo new money. They’ve teetered on the edge of national prominence for years, always being a Dennis Dixon knee away from true limelight. The uniforms befuddle anyone over 25, but the kids dig them. When something good goes away (Masoli, Rich Brooks, Belloti) they always plug in an improvement. They go for 2 in the 2nd quarter. The trend charts for UO are sloping in the right direction. With the return of James and Thomas, you just know they will throw 45 points up every night. With (justifiably) one of the best home atmospheres, and (NCAA alert) recent recruiting classes, this team will continue to set up camp in the BCS top 5. The toughest challenge will be opening night vs LSU, but even a stumble there may not prevent this team from going the BCS championship game again.

California – May be a reach at second, but they schedule is manageable. They get USC and Utah at home, which should be the difference between second and fifth. Tedford is a solid coach, and without a clearcut leader at QB and RB in the spring, they will have to rely on experienced defensive returning starters. Tedford finally got the hippies out of the trees, so getting back to 8 or 9 wins shouldn’t be that hard.

 

Washington – Yes, they lost Tebow-lite, but Sark has quietly built up a solid talent base in the past few years. I expect to see a well-rounded team surprise the rest of the conference.

Stanford – Even with perhaps the best player in the country, you simply cannot lose a coach as great as Harbough, and not falter. They lose 3 starters on the OL, and they were fantastic starters at that. There will be more pressure on Luck (literally), and he simply can’t do it all himself. I expect a big drop-off defensively.

Oregon State – This team is always a wild card. Riley can be fantastic on a single game basis, but he seems to have trouble getting good players in the trenches. Rodgers is gone, and he will be sorely missed.

Washington State – Have you ever been to Starkeville? It looks like Las Vegas compared to Pullman. The football team is even worse.

 

Pac 12 South

Predicted Order of Finish:

1) Utah

2) USC

3) Arizona State

4) Arizona

5) UCLA

6) Colorado

Utah – why not? Is there anyone else in this division that you can see that’s better? Wittingham has recruited very well, and continues to teach proper fundamentals. The wild card here is the addition of Norm Chow, who seems to have forgotten quite a bit during his stay in Westwood. If the new offense is implemented without many hiccups, you should see the new kids on the block in the inaugural championship game.

USC – it seems USC had prepared to use the song girls as there starting defense last year. With scholarship reductions, I don’t see elder Kiffin improving this screen door. Barkley is a great talent, but you can’t get the Lane stink off of you with hospital soap – ask anyone in

Knoxville.

Arizona State – if anyone is confused with the 12 pack – Pac 12 issue more than me, it is Dennis Erickson, who has never passed the Circle K without stopping for a slim-jim and a tall boy. Even so, Vontaze Burfict is so dangerous, he could play by himself on D and give up only 12 points a game.

Arizona – God bless Zona for their patience. Stoops wouldn’t have made it past season 2 at Vandy with these results. For a school that gets every hot girl in southern California (that didn’t get into USC or UCLA), you would think that you could get a few 4 star players.

UCLA – Tricky Ricky has an office pool for how long he’ll be able to hang on to his job. Since nobody had longer than December 2010, it’s now carried over into the “Jersey Shore” death pool. Fans wear blue sweaters to the Rose Bowl. Blue. Sweaters.

Colorado – Unbeknownst to many, Colorado wanted in the P-12 solely to keep the pipeline of Maui Wowii full. Tune into the September 10 game vs California and watch Ralphie fall over at the 45 yard line from a contact high.

Conference Champion: Oregon...duh

- Ocular Patdown

ACC Preview... Duke to win ACC Title!

What do the “Girls Next Door,” United Airlines, and the Democratic Party have in common?  They are all average at what they do, unreliable, look for ways to steal your money, artificially inflate their assets, and come up as synonyms for the ACC in the Thesaurus.  The Almost Competitive Conference (aka, “Atlantic Coast Conference”) is looking to continue a “tradition of excellence… then, now, and always.”  Is it me, or is this completely befuddling? 

1. When has the ACC had a tradition of excellence in football? 

2. Are they excellent now?

3. Will they even be around in 2015? 

The answers are “Almost Never; My sources say No; Don’t count on it.”  I double checked these responses with the Magic 8 Ball—twice.  If that isn’t a firm confirmation, maybe this is:  according to the ACC Football Media Guide, “ACC football is No. 1 in Academics.”  As the Switzer Principle asserts, “Football wins and Academic Performance maintain a permanent, inverse relationship.  I.E. fast people can’t do math.”  The Switzer Principle also states that Player Payroll and the number of Football Wins are positively related.  Interestingly, the ACC media guide isn’t reporting data on the number of hookers, abortions, yacht rides, or performance bonuses paid out to players over the last decade.  Are they embarrassed of the losses still piling up despite escalating payrolls at certain institutions?

If that wasn’t enough, the ACC has the Forest Gumption to claim “10 Football National Titles and Then Some…”  Want to know their source?  Wikipedia!!!  Please note: Wikipedia is the same source that one former ESPN staff writer used to report that FSU created Seminole Fire Water, which was then stolen by University of Florida professors and marketed as Gatorade.  Doesn’t the ACC know that anyone can edit Wikipedia?  Let’s not even mention that they are claiming 5 National Titles won by the U… which were won prior to the U joining the ACC.  Despite this conference’s character flaws (the greatest being its lack of football prowess) and in an attempt for personal growth, the Hare will strive to objectively review the ACC… despite the inherently difficult nature of such an assignment (Thanks to the Suits running this POTD Blog that assigned me this crap-hole conference!!!).  The only thing worse than this purgatory of an assignment would be previewing the Big Least…urgh…East.  Sorry Stasche… one day the suits will recognize our genius and we’ll get to cover a real conference.

                                                             

ACC

Defending Champ:  Virginia Tech

Best Tradition: Howards Rock and running down the Hill, Clemson.

Best College Town:  Raleigh-Durham-Chapel Hill triangle

Best Mascot:  Demon Deacon.  Does it get any better than a beer drinking, Baptist deacon, dressed to the nines like Bill the Butcher, riding into town on a Harley?… BTF Up Mudda Fuggas!

Worst Mascot:  Chief Osceola.  Does it get any more racist than a white man putting on Red Face, playing the caricatured role of a rebel Native American? 

Best Fight Song: “Ramblin’ Wreck from Georgia Tech”.  A song about cars, alcohol, college coeds, and a number of expletives… why did they ever leave the SEC?  

Best Campus:  Virginia Tech

Best Band:  Based purely on the names…

1. Duke University Marching Band (DUMB)
2. Screaming Eagles (of Boston College)
3. UM Band of the Hour (maybe the band is really a brothel that charges Shapiro by the hour? Make it Rain!)

 Team Previews:

Official University Name: Boston College

City: Chestnut Hill, MA

Home Stadium:  Alumni Stadium

Max Capacity:  44,500

Mascot (s):  Baldwin the Eagle

Colors: Maroon & Gold

The Unofficial Official College Bar: Mary Ann’s

Taste of the Town:  Eagle’s Deli

Premier Sport on Campus:  Football

2011 outlook:  The Eagles finished 2010 with a 7-6 record and look to make improvements offensively.  Their schedule is back loaded, so expect BC to jump out to a quick start and fade disastrously down the stretch.  The Hare’s prediction: 5-7 and no bowl.

Official University Name: Clemson University

City: Clemson, SC

Home Stadium:  Memorial Stadium

Max Capacity:  80,301

Mascot (s):  The Tiger

Colors: Burnt Orange & Northwest Purple

The Unofficial Official College Bar: The Esso Club

Taste of the Town:  Tiger Town Tavern

Premier Sport on Campus:  Football

2011 outlook:  Dabo Sweeney (Todd) is on the hot seat following a 6-7 showing in 2010.  Expect Sweeney to be unemployed following the October 1^st matchup with VT (Following consecutive losses to Auburn, FSU, and VT).  The Hare’s prediction: 7-5 and another bad coaching hire.

Esso Club

Official University Name: The Florida State University

City: Tallahassee, FL

Home Stadium:  Doak Campbell Stadium

Max Capacity:  82,300

Mascot (s):  Chief Osceola & Renegade

Colors: Garnet & Gold

The Unofficial Official College Bar: Bullwinkle’s Saloon

Taste of the Town:  Hopkin’s Eatery

Premier Sport on Campus:  Football

2011 outlook:  Didn’t you hear?  The Seminoles are back.  Well, after saying this for almost 8 years now, ESPN might actually be right.  The 2011 edition of the FSU Seminoles is as talented a bunch as they’ve had in nearly a decade and their schedule is quite easy.  The Hare’s prediction: 11-1, but lose the ACC title game to (spoiler alert) VT.

Bullwinkle's

Official University Name: University of Maryland

City: College Park, MD                                     

Home Stadium:  Byrd Stadium

Max Capacity:  54,000

Mascot (s):  Testudo

Colors: Red & White

The Unofficial Official College Bar: Santa Fe Cafe

Taste of the Town:  Plato’s Diner

Premier Sport on Campus:  Basketball

2011 outlook:  Expect the Terrapins to be much like they always are, a near contender, but in the end, just another pretender.  The Hare’s prediction:  7-5.

Plato's Diner

Official University Name: North Carolina State University

City: Raleigh, NC                                                 

Home Stadium:  Carter-Finley Stadium

Max Capacity:  57,583          

Mascot (s):  Mr. Wuf

Colors: Red & White

The Unofficial Official College Bar: East Village

Taste of the Town:  El Rodeo

Premier Sport on Campus:  Cursing Duke and UNC

2011 outlook:  With the transfer of 2010 starting QB Russell Wilson to UW-Madison, the Wolfpack will be searching for a new identity on Offense.  Expect Tom O’Brien to keep this team competitive, but like the rest of the ACC, expect mediocrity.  That said, the schedule sets up nicely for an inflated number in the wins column.  The Hare’s prediction:  8-4

Official University Name: Wake Forest University

City: Winston-Salem, NC                                 

Home Stadium:  Groves Stadium

Max Capacity:  31,500          

Mascot (s):  Demon Deacon

Colors: Old Gold & Black

The Unofficial Official College Bar: Ziggy’s

Taste of the Town:  Burke Street Pizza

Premier Sport on Campus:  Basketball

2011 outlook:  From ACC Champs to ACC chum.  Wake Forest is set for another disastrous season where being less than mediocre allows for close loses that punish the fan base with misguided hope.  The Hare’s prediction:  1-10

Official University Name: Virginia Polytechnic Institute & State College

City: Blacksburg, VA                                          

Home Stadium:  Lane Stadium

Max Capacity:  66,233                           

Mascot (s):  Hokie Bird

Colors: Chicago Maroon & Burnt Orange

The Unofficial Official College Bar: Sharkey’s

Taste of the Town:  Big Al’s

Premier Sport on Campus:  Football

2011 outlook:  The Defending ACC champs look to build on last season’s success with a possible BCS title game birth.  Given the depth and experience returning to the team and a schedule akin to the 2010 Auburn Tiger’s cupcake schedule, such aspirations are not out of the question.  The Hare’s prediction:  12-0 winning the ACC Title Game and playing for the BCS title.

Sharkey's

Official University Name: Georgia Institute of Technology

City: Atlanta, GA                                                 

Home Stadium:  Bobby Dodd Stadium

Max Capacity:  55,000                                        

Mascot (s):  Buzz

Colors: White & Old Gold

The Unofficial Official College Bar: O’Terril’s Pub

Taste of the Town:  The Varsity

Premier Sport on Campus:  Football

2011 outlook:  Show me your triple veer option!  Who cares if GT sucks, watching this team play almost makes you think you could have played college football.  Looking to improve on the 2010 campaign, GT is poised for moderate success.  The Hare’s prediction:  7-5.

Official University Name:  University of Miami

City: Coral Gables, FL                                                 

Home Stadium:  Sun Life Stadium (Miami Garden’s, FL)

Max Capacity:  76,500                                        

Mascot (s):  Sebastian

Colors: Orange & Green

The Unofficial Official College Bar: Tobacco Road

Taste of the Town:  Mojito’s Cuban Cuisine

Premier Sport on Campus:  Football

2011 outlook:  Now that the NCAA has caught onto the use of prostitutes, drugs, and money to motivate players (wait… they are just now catching onto this?), it might be a tough year for the Canes.  On the other hand, the C-Victs might look at this as a way to stick it to the man.  The Hare’s prediction:  6-6.

Official University Name:  University of Virginia

City: Charlottesville, VA                                            

Home Stadium:  Scott Stadium

Max Capacity:  61,500                                        

Mascot (s):  Cavalier

Colors: Orange & Navy Blue

The Unofficial Official College Bar: Buddhist Biker Bar

Taste of the Town:  Take it Away Sandwich Shop

Premier Sport on Campus:  Undecided

2011 outlook:  Next to Duke, UVA might be the worst program in the ACC over the past 10 years.  However, expect major improvements with 2^nd year coach Mike London at the helm (London won a D1-AA championship at Richmond).  The Hare’s prediction:  6-6

Buddhist Biker Bar

Official University Name:  University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill

City: Chapel Hill, NC                                                    

Home Stadium:  Kenan Memorial Stadium

Max Capacity:  63,000                                        

Mascot (s):  Rameses

Colors: Carolina Blue & White

The Unofficial Official College Bar: He’s Not Here

Taste of the Town:  Top of the Hill                

Premier Sport on Campus:  Basketball, followed by Women’s Soccer

2011 outlook:  This season is set up nicely for the Tar Heels.  The schedule is light, and they have quite a bit of motivation to avenge to loss of Butch Davis.  Expect history to repeat itself akin to Larry Coker at the U.  The Hare’s prediction:  9-3.

Top of the Hill Brew-Pub

Official University Name:  Duke University

City: Durham, NC                                                         

Home Stadium:  Wallace Wade Stadium

Max Capacity:  33,941                                        

Mascot (s):  Blue Devil

Colors: Duke Blue & White

The Unofficial Official College Bar: Charlie’s

Taste of the Town:  Cosmic Cantina             

Premier Sport on Campus:  Basketball, followed by Men’s Lacrosse

2011 outlook:  Duke will win the ACC Title… in basketball.  In Football, Duke Sucks…still.  The Hare’s prediction:  0-12.

7 Days until Football Season!

~March Hare~