12 - Pack

  

So, it falls on me to preview the 12-pack, or as the infamous Mr. Murn coined it, “the twacker”. Like a true appetizer, a twacker is considered a good way to start. It won’t fuel the party all night, but it’ll start the ball rolling. The twacker hits the sweet spot in terms of portability. If you created a graph using content on the x-axis, and convenience on the y-axis, the twacker is the elbow in the curve. In a pinch, rip off the top and shove ice down the crevices….bingo – an instant cooler. Back in the day, you would grab a twacker at the Lil Champ, head down the road and drink all 12 before the beer got warm.

What? Oh, the Pac-12. Apologies.

Well, some of the same logic applies. It is college football by definition, but you cannot live on it alone. The P12 is like the Busch Lite Twacker, it is enjoyable, provides the most bang for your buck, but you never want to admit in public that you consume it. It fills a necessary gap with 10 pm kickoffs, and conference games are very underrated in terms of entertainment.

The conference has recently expanded, and they did a great job in not only adding programs that take the sport seriously, but they make sense geographically. The divisions are barely 9 months old, yet the average fan can easily name all 6 teams in each division (eyeing you Swofford, Delany).

Pac 12 North

Predicted Order of Finish:

1) Oregon

2) California

3) Washington

4) Stanford

5) Oregon State

6) Washington State

Oregon – This program is sooooo new money. They’ve teetered on the edge of national prominence for years, always being a Dennis Dixon knee away from true limelight. The uniforms befuddle anyone over 25, but the kids dig them. When something good goes away (Masoli, Rich Brooks, Belloti) they always plug in an improvement. They go for 2 in the 2nd quarter. The trend charts for UO are sloping in the right direction. With the return of James and Thomas, you just know they will throw 45 points up every night. With (justifiably) one of the best home atmospheres, and (NCAA alert) recent recruiting classes, this team will continue to set up camp in the BCS top 5. The toughest challenge will be opening night vs LSU, but even a stumble there may not prevent this team from going the BCS championship game again.

California – May be a reach at second, but they schedule is manageable. They get USC and Utah at home, which should be the difference between second and fifth. Tedford is a solid coach, and without a clearcut leader at QB and RB in the spring, they will have to rely on experienced defensive returning starters. Tedford finally got the hippies out of the trees, so getting back to 8 or 9 wins shouldn’t be that hard.

 

Washington – Yes, they lost Tebow-lite, but Sark has quietly built up a solid talent base in the past few years. I expect to see a well-rounded team surprise the rest of the conference.

Stanford – Even with perhaps the best player in the country, you simply cannot lose a coach as great as Harbough, and not falter. They lose 3 starters on the OL, and they were fantastic starters at that. There will be more pressure on Luck (literally), and he simply can’t do it all himself. I expect a big drop-off defensively.

Oregon State – This team is always a wild card. Riley can be fantastic on a single game basis, but he seems to have trouble getting good players in the trenches. Rodgers is gone, and he will be sorely missed.

Washington State – Have you ever been to Starkeville? It looks like Las Vegas compared to Pullman. The football team is even worse.

 

Pac 12 South

Predicted Order of Finish:

1) Utah

2) USC

3) Arizona State

4) Arizona

5) UCLA

6) Colorado

Utah – why not? Is there anyone else in this division that you can see that’s better? Wittingham has recruited very well, and continues to teach proper fundamentals. The wild card here is the addition of Norm Chow, who seems to have forgotten quite a bit during his stay in Westwood. If the new offense is implemented without many hiccups, you should see the new kids on the block in the inaugural championship game.

USC – it seems USC had prepared to use the song girls as there starting defense last year. With scholarship reductions, I don’t see elder Kiffin improving this screen door. Barkley is a great talent, but you can’t get the Lane stink off of you with hospital soap – ask anyone in

Knoxville.

Arizona State – if anyone is confused with the 12 pack – Pac 12 issue more than me, it is Dennis Erickson, who has never passed the Circle K without stopping for a slim-jim and a tall boy. Even so, Vontaze Burfict is so dangerous, he could play by himself on D and give up only 12 points a game.

Arizona – God bless Zona for their patience. Stoops wouldn’t have made it past season 2 at Vandy with these results. For a school that gets every hot girl in southern California (that didn’t get into USC or UCLA), you would think that you could get a few 4 star players.

UCLA – Tricky Ricky has an office pool for how long he’ll be able to hang on to his job. Since nobody had longer than December 2010, it’s now carried over into the “Jersey Shore” death pool. Fans wear blue sweaters to the Rose Bowl. Blue. Sweaters.

Colorado – Unbeknownst to many, Colorado wanted in the P-12 solely to keep the pipeline of Maui Wowii full. Tune into the September 10 game vs California and watch Ralphie fall over at the 45 yard line from a contact high.

Conference Champion: Oregon...duh

- Ocular Patdown