What do the “Girls Next Door,” United Airlines, and the Democratic Party have in common? They are all average at what they do, unreliable, look for ways to steal your money, artificially inflate their assets, and come up as synonyms for the ACC in the Thesaurus. The Almost Competitive Conference (aka, “Atlantic Coast Conference”) is looking to continue a “tradition of excellence… then, now, and always.” Is it me, or is this completely befuddling? 1. When has the ACC had a tradition of excellence in football?
2. Are they excellent now?
3. Will they even be around in 2015?
The answers are “Almost Never; My sources say No; Don’t count on it.” I double checked these responses with the Magic 8 Ball—twice. If that isn’t a firm confirmation, maybe this is: according to the ACC Football Media Guide, “ACC football is No. 1 in Academics.” As the Switzer Principle asserts, “Football wins and Academic Performance maintain a permanent, inverse relationship. I.E. fast people can’t do math.” The Switzer Principle also states that Player Payroll and the number of Football Wins are positively related. Interestingly, the ACC media guide isn’t reporting data on the number of hookers, abortions, yacht rides, or performance bonuses paid out to players over the last decade. Are they embarrassed of the losses still piling up despite escalating payrolls at certain institutions?
If that wasn’t enough, the ACC has the Forest Gumption to claim “10 Football National Titles and Then Some…” Want to know their source? Wikipedia!!! Please note: Wikipedia is the same source that one former ESPN staff writer used to report that FSU created Seminole Fire Water, which was then stolen by University of Florida professors and marketed as Gatorade. Doesn’t the ACC know that anyone can edit Wikipedia? Let’s not even mention that they are claiming 5 National Titles won by the U… which were won prior to the U joining the ACC. Despite this conference’s character flaws (the greatest being its lack of football prowess) and in an attempt for personal growth, the Hare will strive to objectively review the ACC… despite the inherently difficult nature of such an assignment (Thanks to the Suits running this POTD Blog that assigned me this crap-hole conference!!!). The only thing worse than this purgatory of an assignment would be previewing the Big Least…urgh…East. Sorry Stasche… one day the suits will recognize our genius and we’ll get to cover a real conference.
ACC
Defending Champ: Virginia Tech
Best Tradition: Howards Rock and running down the Hill, Clemson.
Best College Town: Raleigh-Durham-Chapel Hill triangle
Best Mascot: Demon Deacon. Does it get any better than a beer drinking, Baptist deacon, dressed to the nines like Bill the Butcher, riding into town on a Harley?… BTF Up Mudda Fuggas!
Worst Mascot: Chief Osceola. Does it get any more racist than a white man putting on Red Face, playing the caricatured role of a rebel Native American?
Best Fight Song: “Ramblin’ Wreck from Georgia Tech”. A song about cars, alcohol, college coeds, and a number of expletives… why did they ever leave the SEC?
Best Campus: Virginia Tech
Best Band: Based purely on the names…
- Duke University Marching Band (DUMB)
- Screaming Eagles (of Boston College)
- UM Band of the Hour (maybe the band is really a brothel that charges Shapiro by the hour? Make it Rain!)
Official University Name: Boston College
City: Chestnut Hill, MA
Home Stadium: Alumni Stadium
Max Capacity: 44,500
Mascot (s): Baldwin the Eagle
Colors: Maroon & Gold
The Unofficial Official College Bar: Mary Ann’s
Taste of the Town: Eagle’s Deli
Premier Sport on Campus: Football
2011 outlook: The Eagles finished 2010 with a 7-6 record and look to make improvements offensively. Their schedule is back loaded, so expect BC to jump out to a quick start and fade disastrously down the stretch. The Hare’s prediction: 5-7 and no bowl.
Official University Name: Clemson University
City: Clemson, SC
Home Stadium: Memorial Stadium
Max Capacity: 80,301
Mascot (s): The Tiger
Colors: Burnt Orange & Northwest Purple
The Unofficial Official College Bar: The Esso Club
Taste of the Town: Tiger Town Tavern
Premier Sport on Campus: Football
2011 outlook: Dabo Sweeney (Todd) is on the hot seat following a 6-7 showing in 2010. Expect Sweeney to be unemployed following the October 1st matchup with VT (Following consecutive losses to Auburn, FSU, and VT). The Hare’s prediction: 7-5 and another bad coaching hire.
 |
| Esso Club |
Official University Name: The Florida State University
City: Tallahassee, FL
Home Stadium: Doak Campbell Stadium
Max Capacity: 82,300
Mascot (s): Chief Osceola & Renegade
Colors: Garnet & Gold
The Unofficial Official College Bar: Bullwinkle’s Saloon
Taste of the Town: Hopkin’s Eatery
Premier Sport on Campus: Football
2011 outlook: Didn’t you hear? The Seminoles are back. Well, after saying this for almost 8 years now, ESPN might actually be right. The 2011 edition of the FSU Seminoles is as talented a bunch as they’ve had in nearly a decade and their schedule is quite easy. The Hare’s prediction: 11-1, but lose the ACC title game to (spoiler alert) VT.
 |
| Bullwinkle's |
Official University Name: University of Maryland
City: College Park, MD
Home Stadium: Byrd Stadium
Max Capacity: 54,000
Mascot (s): Testudo
Colors: Red & White
The Unofficial Official College Bar: Santa Fe Cafe
Taste of the Town: Plato’s Diner
Premier Sport on Campus: Basketball
2011 outlook: Expect the Terrapins to be much like they always are, a near contender, but in the end, just another pretender. The Hare’s prediction: 7-5.
 |
| Plato's Diner |
Official University Name: North Carolina State University
City: Raleigh, NC
Home Stadium: Carter-Finley Stadium
Max Capacity: 57,583
Mascot (s): Mr. Wuf
Colors: Red & White
The Unofficial Official College Bar: East Village
Taste of the Town: El Rodeo
Premier Sport on Campus: Cursing Duke and UNC
2011 outlook: With the transfer of 2010 starting QB Russell Wilson to UW-Madison, the Wolfpack will be searching for a new identity on Offense. Expect Tom O’Brien to keep this team competitive, but like the rest of the ACC, expect mediocrity. That said, the schedule sets up nicely for an inflated number in the wins column. The Hare’s prediction: 8-4
Official University Name: Wake Forest University
City: Winston-Salem, NC
Home Stadium: Groves Stadium
Max Capacity: 31,500
Mascot (s): Demon Deacon
Colors: Old Gold & Black
The Unofficial Official College Bar: Ziggy’s
Taste of the Town: Burke Street Pizza
Premier Sport on Campus: Basketball
2011 outlook: From ACC Champs to ACC chum. Wake Forest is set for another disastrous season where being less than mediocre allows for close loses that punish the fan base with misguided hope. The Hare’s prediction: 1-10
Official University Name: Virginia Polytechnic Institute & State College
City: Blacksburg, VA
Home Stadium: Lane Stadium
Max Capacity: 66,233
Mascot (s): Hokie Bird
Colors: Chicago Maroon & Burnt Orange
The Unofficial Official College Bar: Sharkey’s
Taste of the Town: Big Al’s
Premier Sport on Campus: Football
2011 outlook: The Defending ACC champs look to build on last season’s success with a possible BCS title game birth. Given the depth and experience returning to the team and a schedule akin to the 2010 Auburn Tiger’s cupcake schedule, such aspirations are not out of the question. The Hare’s prediction: 12-0 winning the ACC Title Game and playing for the BCS title.
 |
| Sharkey's |
Official University Name: Georgia Institute of Technology
City: Atlanta, GA
Home Stadium: Bobby Dodd Stadium
Max Capacity: 55,000
Mascot (s): Buzz
Colors: White & Old Gold
The Unofficial Official College Bar: O’Terril’s Pub
Taste of the Town: The Varsity
Premier Sport on Campus: Football
2011 outlook: Show me your triple veer option! Who cares if GT sucks, watching this team play almost makes you think you could have played college football. Looking to improve on the 2010 campaign, GT is poised for moderate success. The Hare’s prediction: 7-5.
Official University Name: University of Miami
City: Coral Gables, FL
Home Stadium: Sun Life Stadium (Miami Garden’s, FL)
Max Capacity: 76,500
Mascot (s): Sebastian
Colors: Orange & Green
The Unofficial Official College Bar: Tobacco Road
Taste of the Town: Mojito’s Cuban Cuisine
Premier Sport on Campus: Football
2011 outlook: Now that the NCAA has caught onto the use of prostitutes, drugs, and money to motivate players (wait… they are just now catching onto this?), it might be a tough year for the Canes. On the other hand, the C-Victs might look at this as a way to stick it to the man. The Hare’s prediction: 6-6.
Official University Name: University of Virginia
City: Charlottesville, VA
Home Stadium: Scott Stadium
Max Capacity: 61,500
Mascot (s): Cavalier
Colors: Orange & Navy Blue
The Unofficial Official College Bar: Buddhist Biker Bar
Taste of the Town: Take it Away Sandwich Shop
Premier Sport on Campus: Undecided
2011 outlook: Next to Duke, UVA might be the worst program in the ACC over the past 10 years. However, expect major improvements with 2nd year coach Mike London at the helm (London won a D1-AA championship at Richmond). The Hare’s prediction: 6-6
 |
| Buddhist Biker Bar |
Official University Name: University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill
City: Chapel Hill, NC
Home Stadium: Kenan Memorial Stadium
Max Capacity: 63,000
Mascot (s): Rameses
Colors: Carolina Blue & White
The Unofficial Official College Bar: He’s Not Here
Taste of the Town: Top of the Hill
Premier Sport on Campus: Basketball, followed by Women’s Soccer
2011 outlook: This season is set up nicely for the Tar Heels. The schedule is light, and they have quite a bit of motivation to avenge to loss of Butch Davis. Expect history to repeat itself akin to Larry Coker at the U. The Hare’s prediction: 9-3.
 |
| Top of the Hill Brew-Pub |
Official University Name: Duke University
City: Durham, NC
Home Stadium: Wallace Wade Stadium
Max Capacity: 33,941
Mascot (s): Blue Devil
Colors: Duke Blue & White
The Unofficial Official College Bar: Charlie’s
Taste of the Town: Cosmic Cantina
Premier Sport on Campus: Basketball, followed by Men’s Lacrosse
2011 outlook: Duke will win the ACC Title… in basketball. In Football, Duke Sucks…still. The Hare’s prediction: 0-12.
That's a lot of faith in FSU considering their QB's best performance was v Clemson last season where they abandoned the pass and ran the option the entire second half.
ReplyDelete