The Doldrums of Summer Sports:
There seems no better way to start contributing to an unknown web-log devoted to documenting the experiences and observations of sports and life in the South, than to kick it off with a tired and overused cliché—fortunately for you, I can’t think of any. Instead I’m sitting here, staring out my window, wondering what happened to sports in America. No, I am not referring to corruption in collegiate athletics, doping (we can’t just limit this to baseball anymore), or Jen Sterger’s infatuation with Brett’s Favre. If honesty is truly the best policy, then honestly, these drama filled soap operas are exactly what keep us tuned in when sports go stale. But what about when sports move beyond stale and enter the realm of irrelevance? You know, it’s that time between June and August when you find yourself being thoroughly entertained by a replay of the 2008 BCS Title Game. Then, at some point between Ohio State sucking and Ohio State sucking even more, you realize you are more entertained now than when the game was broadcast live. And that’s the exact moment you remember how boring summer sports really are. Just like the mariners that braved the open seas sometime between oars and the advent of steam engines, you’ve found yourself stranded with no wind and no current to deliver you to your destination (football season). Instead you find yourself drinking salt water and eating leather while feigning interest in the MLB all-star game—it’s okay to admit to this epic fandom faux pas; temporary insanity is a valid defense.
I, being no mariner and choosing to only “sail” on “ships” with midnight buffets and a steady supply of whiskey (+tango), fear not these doldrums provided so graciously by Mother Nature. Yet, the Doldrums of Summer Sports drive me absolutely mad. And as the Mad Hatter (Les Miles, not Johnny Depp) says, “I think there are times that your mental energy is a little greased and ready to roll." So let’s take a trip together and embrace the crazy; enjoying what we can before normalcy and real sports worth watching arrive in a few shortly lived long weeks. Honestly, who needs contrived news on real sports when you could:
Take in a game of Quidditch?
Is there anything better than a sport that requires magic? Oh yes there is! A sport based on a sport that requires actual magic and played by people who love reading about magic but have no tangible magical powers themselves. Instead of using witchery agility in the air, these semi-pro sorcerers choose to run around holding a $2 broom between their legs while attempting to throw a ball through a hula hoop on a stick. Holy Hermione Jean Granger this is Brilliant! (http://www.internationalquidditch.org/ )Enjoy the strategy involved in underwater hockey?
Like the wise, former Alaskan gubna says, “When Al Gore gives you melted ice, play hockey underwater.” And why not? Certainly it makes sense to strap on a snorkel and goggles, doing your best dead man’s float waiting for just the right moment to slowly pounce onto the submerged puck and shovel it towards your opponents goal. Just don’t drink the pink water or play with people who do! (http://www.underwater-society.org/uwhockey.html) Bask in the complexities of Bossaball?
Imagine yourself as a European soccer fan (try harder dam-nam-it!) lying on a beach in the aftermath of the 2002 FIFA World Cup wondering what you would do for fun now. You slowly but steadily take a long, warm breath into your lungs. Eureka! Your imagined imagination just created a basted sport, resulting from the ménage à trois of beach volleyball, soccer, and trampoline gymnastics (who let this guy in on the action?). You will now be able to pass an endless summer frolicking on a bounce-house trampoline volleyball court. Yeahhhh Boyyeeee that’s some good shizzle! (http://www.bossaballsports.com/)Shy away from the brutality of chess… and boxing… simultaneously?
Nothing like exercising your mind and strengthening your concentration during a chess match, only to take a break with a round of boxing between moves—subsequently churning your brain into a sour mash destined for Parkinson’s disease and dementia. Oh the possibilities for a Michael J. Fox Foundation charity event! (http://wcbo.org/content/index_en.html)Get your pistons lubed with Lawn Mower Racing?
If there’s grass on the field… drink a beer and watch the necks race machines originally designed to cut grass but no longer serve a functional purpose. Laziness truly is the father of all invention—productive and otherwise. Hmmm… if the Mad Hatter’s grass slashing grill was removed, would he suddenly run faster? (http://www.letsmow.com/)
As we slowly, but most assuredly, make our way back out of this rabbit hole in which we find ourselves during the Doldrums of Summer Sports, it seems only fitting that we can take solace in the infinite wisdom of one Leslie Edwin Miles. “When you are put in a position where it's a key down and distance, it's not inconceivable that that's a down and distance you can achieve."
35 Days until Football Season!
~March Hare~
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