Joe Cool is a simple man. He wears socks with his Birkenstocks, and will roll into any event wearing the shirt he slept in. He wins Super Bowls and doesn’t have time for excessive bars distracting his vision.
Marino was a pure pocket QB, who was never a threat to move the chains with his feet. As such, the added weight of the deep chin bar typically used by blocking tight ends was never a concern for him. It may seem superfluous, but the extra bars did serve a purpose: to keep DE’s hands from coming near his nose, which at any moment had $50k of residue of Columbia’s finest exported product.
The half of the pony express that didn’t kill hookers tore through the league with lenses deemed too powerful for the Hubble telescope. If those spectacles broke, it would take 3 years for the Lenscrafters on Crenshaw Blvd to forge new ones. As such, added side bars were critical.
He may have been saddled with the greatest gay pornstar name ever, but tailbacks never laughed at his presence. Being a non-mortal, a standard issue facemask just wouldn’t do. Dick instead jettisoned a cattle guard from the steam engine train “Spirit of Des Moines”. An added benefit was the extra stamina he gained from chewing mid-west bovine carcass still lodged into the mask between plays.
An asshat of the highest order, nobody thought higher of themselves than this guy. 30 years after everyone not pretending to be a soccer player in pads moved from the single bar, this clown clung to the design solely to allow every fan to gaze upon his chiseled face. The payoff finally came when viewers across the country fine-tuned their rabbit ears and were rewarded with his full facial expression during the 452 slow motion replays of LT adjusting the thigh of #7.
When can we expect a piece on the demise of the of the roll bar and the cowboy collar?
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