CHANNELLING THE INNER CHUCK JONES

THE Big-10 (12?) Preview:

Personality profiles are utilized by many: employers, marketers, serial-killer chasers, but rarely has it been used to define a conference. If we do so loosely call the Big 10 (12?) a conference, then each team’s prospective gridiron wealth may be determined with nary a gander at last year’s record, or analysis as to whether there is a returning quarterback, or returning coach, or pre-season all conference selections, but instead by who they are.

In judging character, we may compare by using the best caricatures. There was no better cartoon group in creating full-blown one-dimensional personalities than the classic Warner Brothers group in the middle of the last century. What better characters to define, therefore, a completely one-dimensional league. Listed in order of predicted finish, Legends and Leaders be damned:

  

The new guy on the block is actually, in football success terms, the oldest. The Huskers have really found a home with this conference in that they fit well in overall game-philosophy: Stop teams from scoring and score only if necessary to win. Like their galliform brother, the sit rather tall and talk (albeit with a drawl) with some confidence, when in reality the foundation of their perceived success is quite fragile. While the Texas and Florida programs can overcome coaching and personnel issues because of their great locations / facilities, Lincoln, NE is nobody’s destination place. They are plugging along fine with a solid coach….but the terrain is rocky.

Prediction: 10-2. Best case scenario: 12-0. Worst case scenario: 0-12.

Nobody really believes that all that Badger students do is drink beer and eat cheese.  You do?  Well, so do I.  That malaise helps explain why seeming annual teams with strong defense and strong running games consistently poop out at some point and fall woefully under expectations.  Should we believe in Wisconsin?  Certainly not, but the sun don't shine on the same dog's ass every day, so eventually the Badger will get their shot.  By wasting away at the bar, however, they will miss another golden opportunity.

Prediction: 10-2. Best case scenario: 12-0. Worst case scenario: 0-12.

Which bird looks meaner to you?  We never expect much from Iowa and why would we?  They have almost nothing going for them, except an exceptional coach.  The location is lousy and there is no recruiting base.  Yet, like their yellow diminutive counter-part, they constantly surprise through crafty smart players and dogged overachievement.  Where does that take them this year?  The same place it takes them every year, to the Outback Bowl.

Prediction: 10-2. Best case scenario: 12-0. Worst case scenario: 0-12.

                                         


I can appreciate the desire to win just like anyone else.  But the Buckeyes cut a swath through the NCAA rulebook like few schools have.  Now obscured by the fine work of Nevin Shapiro, one must not overlook the pioneering Jim Tressel in the annals of really shitty decisions.  Nevertheless, that cheating left the cupboard rather full and, with another fine recruiting class, the Buckeyes can't slip that far down.  This much whirling, spinning reckless damage must show up somewhere, however.

Prediction: 9-3. Best case scenario: 12-0. Worst case scenario: 0-12.

Ah, the classic little brother syndrome. Perhaps the easiest program to diagnose, they sit constantly in their big-brother's shadow in football hungry Michigan.  The last several years would have been a golden opportunity to grasp the Big-Ten mantle while proud Michigan slowly burned.  However, like the obstinate duck they resemble, they instead make few moves in real improvement, linger around at "solid" program status and remain a distant second fiddle to the star of the show.  They not only trail Michigan (who will return), but also trail now two more programs who control their states.  The future, therefore, is far from bright.

Prediction: 8-4. Best case scenario: 12-0. Worst case scenario: 0-12.

    We keep expecting this former juggernaught to perform.  They tease and tease and tease.  This year's Michigan unit is released finally from Junior PeeWee football philosophies, yet we have no real idea if they have the right coach.  This particular school will always be able to recruit with a certain eye toward success, but is what is left on the roster capable of running a pro-style offense.  Michigan fans should not have to wait much longer for a consistent winner.  This team cannot get by with glimpses of competence, only to get crushed when facing competition of similar or greater quality.  They will have to perform when the curtain is up, and the lights are on.

 Prediction: 8-4. Best case scenario: 12-0. Worst case scenario: 0-12.

There is no getting around it, Penn State has an image issue.  The rest of the country is hiring cutting edge coaches who are young and innovative, yet Joe Pa (between yearly hip surgeries, mind you), still patrols the sidelines (or the booth).  His name will attract some recruits, but the best names are leaving the Northeast and going south or west.  The players he has are not even good enough to beat, say, the worst Florida Gator team since 1989.  Although the program has some pride and can bow up when it wants to, it cannot get bombed again by Bama and not have it sting.  More of the same.

Prediction: 7-5. Best case scenario: 12-0. Worst case scenario: 0-12.

                                 
Everything is sold as gold in Champaign, but something just doesn't smell right.  Expect this program to be the subject of the next great Yahoo Sports Expose.  But don't worry, there is a mean pepper steak served every Tuesday at the Joliet pen.  The Fighting Zookers sometimes bite back against equal to lesser opponents, but typically they will lose to those they should lose to and lose to some they should not.  Nevertheless, there is a weak enough schedule and just enough remaining talent that should keep the Illini bowl eligible.  Zook may find a way to screw that up, however.

Prediction: 7-5. Best case scenario: 12-0. Worst case scenario: 0-12.

   If they are such geniuses, then why aren't they better?  Like the  wonderfully wise Marvin the Martian, the Cats have enough resolve to out think they opposition, but do not have the physicality (is that really a word?) to match the Big-Ten's other more impressive programs.  Case in point is our guest from the Astronomy Department at Northwestern.  His name is Nathaniel Stern.  Part of his course of study emphasizes the electroweak sector of the Standard Model, as well as searches for new particles and new phenomena.  They have measure the production of W and Z bosons which mediate the weak interactions - this is the gateway to the exciting studies of the top quark and, possibly, the discovery of the Higgs Boson.  Any more questions why they stink? 

Nathaniel (Nate, to non-friends) Sterns' Prediction: 

Prediction: Do you really want me to calculate the odds and make predictions?  I am a scientist and I can only make predictions on any number of possiblities.  The possible scenarios are in the millions.  Take for instance the possibility of an injury to the quarterback in the second series of the first quarter....that would make the odds of winning that particular game go down by 37%...and, think about this.....click.

OUR prediction: 6-6. Best case scenario: 12-0. Worst scenario: 0-12.

Like our erstwhile engineer of the valley, this mercurial program in Indiana has surprisingly been somewhat of a quarterback feeding ground for the NFL for some time.  You just know that many of their graduates are directly responsible for manufacturing many of the ACME products used to mixed results by Coyote.  Like Coyote, who is rather ingenius in theory, but poor in execution, the Purdue Boilermakers have settled into the mediocre-to-poor program status for which they truly belong.  This season's entry shows no signs of screwing up that master plan.

Prediction: 5-7. Best case scenario: 12-0. Worst case scenario: 0-12.

This program is all bluster.  They have spend a fair amount of money in recent years building a new stadium and hiring and firing coaches because they truly feel like they should be among the big-boys in college football.  Like the pint-sized gunslinger, they are always seeking to show they belong in the conversation of top programs, so much so that they have come under the considerable thumb of the NCAA in recent years.  But, lets face it, how well could a recruiting visit go in Minnesota?  If you want to play football and go to college on the Hoth System, please sign up today!

Prediction: 3-9. Best case scenario: 12-0. Worst case scenario: 0-12.

         Bringing up the rear is the one program that cannot even point to a modicum of success in the last 30 years or so.  Like the befuddled hunter, they fumble around and rarely make any noise, confused about whether they even want to compete in football.  In Indiana, kids learn farming, school and basketball, probably in that order.  There is no reason, this season or any season, to think that the Hoosiers will do anything other than beat the directional schools on their schedule.

Prediction: 2-10. Best case scenario: 12-0. Worst case scenario: 0-12.

~Stan Gable ~